Is the Church failing sexless marriages

I feel the church has said sex (in marriage) is good and holy. However, they have not specifically addressed this matter of refusal. I have spoken to many men in sexless marriages. Many of their spouses refuse to discuss it further with them. It is a topic of conflict anytime it is brought up.

Outside of the church, they would encourage leaving. A lot of men have considered that path. However, most do not want that. They want a solution that will bring them closer together, not tear them apart.

I have wondered what would happen if somebody frankly spoke about it with their church leader, what, if anything would happen? I think leaders may be extra cautious around the matter because it could be seen as forcing women to have sex with their husbands.

The other thought I had is adultery, and other sexual sins, are easy to identify as sinful. However, sexual refusal isn't as clear cut.
Similarly, both may be the result of an unhealthy dynamic in the marriage. Sexual refusal could be viewed as an acceptable natural consequence of abusive/unloving behavior. Whereas adultery, while understandable at times, is never ok.

Before you can figure out what the issues are and how to solve them, you have to first get one's spouse to be open to the discussion. Are we suggesting women be disciplined until they humble themselves enough to submit to that? Somehow I don't see that as the best course of action.

I think for many women, when they have sex, they want to want to have sex. Having sex without desire is not enjoyable for them. Unfortunately, many of these women only desire sex a few times a month or year. It really is a tough call. One I don't think most couples can navigate alone.

I know we don't like to hear that we need to be patient, continue to be loving, etc. What we want is to be heard, validated, for things to change for the better. Often times having patience, while we work on our personal worth is the only option we have.

When I spoke to a past bishop about my wife’s repeated sexual rejection (in the context of confessing masturbation and why I masturbated), he spoke briefly to my wife alone and then referred us to a sex therapist.


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It might have been if my wife had been open to it.


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All great points. Love the dialog on this topic.

Sexless marriages are alive and well and not just in the LDS church. Though it does seem that religions with strict chastity laws with strict abstinence taught early on are worse. If there is not a parent or someone wise to dis-spell the shame and outright fear-mongering that is taught to the youth (mostly girls), chances are pretty good that sexual dis-function will be prevalent.

To me, the difference is in the willingness to:

1) see there is a problem
2) work on the problem, seek out assistance from professionals

IMOP, failure to see/admit a problem, then to work toward a resolution, no matter how slow, is not okay and would be a show stopper for me.

I admit the following analogy is an over simplification, but it's still true to me.

On a very basic and traditional level the ONLY difference between being married and being best-friends is SEX.

Now I realize these spouses are not just nameless people we don't know. I love and adore my wife, so ending the relationship would take a lot. This is an issue I take a stand on. Believe me, we fight about it a lot. We are working slowly and painfully forward as we both unravel unhealthy beliefs and actions to help us both achieve our own sexual happiness.

I highly recommend a marriage and sex counselor to everyone. My marriage has a long way to go, but we are moving in the right direction and we are both a lot more happy.

Now, as to what the church could do? I'm not sure.

I do feel that whatever it does, it can't be taught from a point of you shouldn't withhold sex from your spouse, which to me screams of shame. It would need to be sex positive. Espouse the benefits (health/physical, emotional and fun) of a healthy sexual relationship so it would be something to spark interest. Not sure how you would do this and how you would get the men and women that needs to hear this message to come listen to it.

Maybe a pamphlet or something similar -- It just has to be sex positive.

Dragging someone kicking and screaming to the marriage bed is RAPE, not sex.

Oh and did I mention shame? Shame is the devils favorite tool to tear marriage apart -- and believe me he wants to end your marriage.

Sometimes discovering what the problem is can be a difficult, frustrating, and long experience all on its own. And sometimes the professionals are no help at all.

I think we need to be careful to separate guilt from shame. Without a sense of guilt, of one’s own behavior being less than perfect, there can be no progress. This is different than shame, embarrassment, or a sense of our value being diminished in our own eyes or in the eyes of those around us. See www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shame/201305/the-difference-between-guilt-and-shame but basically, guilt is healthy, and shame is not.

If a spouse is withholding sexual intimacy “just because”, or it effectively happens due to various competing priorities and barriers that may be thrown up, and the spouse has no sense that this is wrong, then that is a problem because they lack guilt or an understanding that this is a failure. This can’t be communicated by simply extolling the benefits of sex. Yes, you can convince some people that way, but others will view forcing their partner into celibacy as a legitimate option unless it is specifically called out as wrong. You can’t just say that exercising is good for you; some people will need to be told that not exercising is bad for your health before they can be convinced of its necessity for a healthy life.

Someone who doesn’t feel guilt over not having sex with their spouse is more likely to think that their spouse is the one with the problem, simply because their spouse wants to have sex! (The poor depraved soul has fallen victim to the natural man!) So while one marriage partner shouldn’t be coerced or shamed into having sex with the other, they should also understand that their spouse’s desire for sexual intimacy is normal and good and it was meant to be fulfilled in their marriage relationship. Their complete denial of it is not blessed by God. The fulfillment of it is. Sexual intimacy is part of the marriage contract and avoiding this truth will prevent some from understanding their true position in the marriage and before God. (For all of the “but I didn’t sign anything that said that” folks, remember that failure to consummate the marriage has been a common, if not common law, justification for annulling a marriage for a very long time, if not for forever.)

Yes, sexual frequency is something that needs to be negotiated and mutually agreed upon. I’m not saying a spouse always has to say yes. And there are certainly situations where it is appropriate to say no. D&C 121:41-43 still applies here. There should be no coercion but there can be convincing — the line between the two can be very thin and you should avoid the hazy area where you have to be a mind reader to know which one it is.

I had a bit of an argument on Facebook with some women. They insisted that a woman should be able to refuse to have sex with their husband, indefinitely, for no reason at all, and this was perfectly okay. I was very clear that this was not the case and that a marriage without sex is not a healthy marriage (generally — there are justifiable exceptions, but they are the exception). They were apoplectic and insistent. They kept on throwing up all this junk about “my husband is a porn addict” or “I felt like something was wrong but I couldn’t put my finger on it — and I later found out he was cheating on me”. For some reason they weren’t reading what I was writing. If your husband is a porn addict, your marriage isn’t healthy. If he’s insisting that you perform a broad repertoire of sex acts beyond the ones you want to do, then your marriage isn’t healthy. If he’s cheating on you, your marriage isn’t healthy. If your only reason to not have sex with your spouse boils down to “my marriage isn’t healthy”, then you prove my point, even if it’s not unhealthy in the way that you might think. And in no way was I suggesting that simply having sex with their spouse would suddenly make their marriage healthy — sex alone is not sufficient to make a healthy marriage, obviously.

I’m not even talking about situations where one spouse feels some vague unease but they’re not sure why, so they refuse to have sex — but they should work on identifying the source of that unease. The situation shouldn’t be allowed to persist indefinitely because it is a sign that something is off. If a spouse is refusing to have sex, they should be viewing it as a warning sign, rather than justifying their decision based on the false premise that sex in marriage is not necessary for a healthy marriage.

I’m not sure I believe sex is always necessary for a healthy marriage. I do know it is NOT WRONG for someone to have sexual desires toward their spouse.

I can understand how a wife can begin to feel like an object for sexual gratification and not like a person to be loved in their own right. Often all that a husband desires is to feel close and experience the passion that comes from sexual intimacy. Though, it doesn’t always come across that way.

In talking to my own kids, I have expressed the importance of discussing sexual expectations with anybody they become seriously involved with. I have one child that doesn’t have any desire or urge at the moment. I let them know that may change later, but if not, they probably don’t want to pair up with somebody who puts a lot of value on sexual intimacy. I don’t think that would be good or fair to the other person.

I’m not going to tell my child there is something wrong with them if they don’t ever develop a drive for sex. Perhaps there is another plan for them. At the same time, if they know that’s how they feel, I think any prospective spouse should have the opportunity to make an informed decision.

I don’t think it’s impossible to have a good marriage without sexual intimacy, but I do think if a spouse feels neglected in that area it will be much more difficult to feel content in the relationship.

Talking beforehand won’t prevent all issues. For one thing, people’s libidos can change over the course of marriage. But it will probably be a lot more beneficial than not having the conversation at all.

Edshubby, 👍

I couldn't agree more. Inside the LDS, and even most Christian faiths, there seems to be a narrative about physical intimacy that is widely filled with opinions and "precepts of men".

"Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love between husband and wife." (For The Strength of Youth, Sexual Purity)

I'm a strong believer that physical intimacy in marriage helps solidify a healthy relationship with your spouse. If you're neglecting it, you're missing out on something very special and awesome that is ordained of God. More often than not we as a culture teach abstinence and the LoC before marriage to the point that we neglect to talk about the benefits and enjoyment after marriage. We focus so much on the spiritual aspects of marriage and we hardly if ever talk about the physical. Why is that?