Flirting

For me, there is a spectrum of activities that could fall under flirting, which makes it difficult to answer the question. It also evolves as your relationship progresses from initial dating to post-wedding married life, and whether you’re just generally expressing romantic interest or intending on something more physical to happen in the near future. For simplicity, I’m assuming that all interactions are welcome and do not cross the line into sexual assault or general obnoxiousness from those who can’t take a no.

On one end, you have expressions of romantic interest which may be subconscious or preserve plausible deniability. This may be so subtle that the target doesn’t even realize what is going on. For example, if a woman touches a man repeatedly but unnecessarily during the course of a conversation. This is typically primarily used during the initial stages of a relationship, but the need for continued expressions of romantic interest exists throughout the entire relationship. For the most part, it’s the type of stuff talked about as “love languages.” Listening, being present, minor physical touch, small gifts / thoughtfulness, etc. Most of that has some degree of plausible deniability. A person can do those things AND not be romantically interested... It’s just that if they are romantically interested, you’d expect them to be doing one or more of those things.

On the other end, you have come ons and straight up propositions that are overt and generally more explicitly sexual — the intent is to communicate the desire for physical intimacy in the near future. In more sincere forms, it could be unromantic and straightforward (“After the kids are in bed, do you want to have sex tonight?”). Or it could be more playful or indirect (“I’m not feeling well tonight... do you think the nurse that came over a couple weeks ago could make another house call?” or “Guess what I’m not wearing underneath these clothes...”) or nonverbal (extended or passionate kissing, touching of genitals or breasts, sexual poses, state of dress, etc.)

In the middle is where I think flirting sits. It uses playfulness to mediate the transition between plausible deniability and overt expressions of interest, between long-term expressions of romantic interest and short-term desires for physical intimacy. It can ignite passion by suggesting that the pursuit, the need to continue to prove one’s worthiness as a suitor, isn’t over — but they’re willing to be “caught” if you chase after them. In that respect, it becomes more of a game where everyone is a winner as long as they’re playing the game, but stop playing the game and you’ll lose. This is also why flirting outside your marriage is not good. It is opening the door to infidelity, toying with the notion of compromising your total devotion to your spouse — it’s at least a step or two beyond your primal sexual awareness of someone.

TL;DR - I think that playfulness, a hint of uncertainty or plausible deniability, and a shift to more physical aspects of a romantic relationship are all essential elements of flirting.