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Post by KSSunflower on Jul 21, 2018 15:57:37 GMT -6
I read this interesting piece. While it doesn’t address sexual issues directly, I think it can be used when dealing with sexual disagreements. The same feelings will arise when a spouse ignores or criticizes our attempt to reconnect with them. The result of our interaction, when we make ourselves vulnerable and confront sexual issues with our spouse, is often what makes us feel hopeful or rejected. kylebenson.net/conflict-connection/ |
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Post by NeverGiveUp on Aug 1, 2018 22:19:22 GMT -6
Interesting. I find the same to be true and to be honest, that is largely what my wife and I learned in Therapy.
the one thing he doesn't talk about is what happens when you trigger each other.
Triggers to me are defined as something that causes an emotional response, which basically means you are responding illogically.
that has to be fixed before you can REALLY move forward.
Otherwise, yes turning toward each other would be awesome -- assuming you aren't triggered and you actually CAN turn toward each other -- And assuming you spouse responds in kind.
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Post by momgyver on Sept 19, 2018 22:16:19 GMT -6
Hubby and I have a connection problem and always have. He doesn’t look at me. Never “sees” me. Constantly interrupts me and doesn’t recognize that I don’t complete my thought. We have been married 48 years and I have given up hope for change.
We live in separate silos. I participate in his life and help him, but he doesn’t do the same for me. He pays lip service to being concerned about what I want and need, but doesn’t really HEAR and UNDERSTAND what I want and need. When I try to give voice to it, he interrupts and I stop. It is depressing.
In order to get a connection, it takes two people trying. It can’t be a one way street. The thing is, I don’t think he even realizes we don have one.
If I make the slightest criticism about anything, he gets upset and so I shut down. He is extremely defensive and takes things as criticism, even when it’s not. Again, I shut down. We rarely have conversations because he interrupts and then I shut up. He doesn’t notice that I’ve shut down.
I feel invisible and lonely.
I didn’t used to shut down, but time has proven that it is easier on me if I do. Less verbal volatility. He has been loud and angry our own whole marriage. Shutting down is self defense.
I’m not really asking for advise, just agreeing that connection is essential for a happy successful marriage. I wish I had that connection.
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Post by NeverGiveUp on Sept 20, 2018 19:04:05 GMT -6
I'm sorry to hear you are in a connection-less marriage. That stinks.
momgyver, your relationship reminds me of mine. Triggers everywhere and we are just re-acting to those triggers trying to protect ourselves form hurt and pain. I get that. It sucks.
I know you aren't asking, but getting therapy for yourself might help you deal with it a little better. I know it did for me, and I'm a man. Ok, fix it mode off. Sorry I could not control myself.
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Previous to marriage counseling I didn't understand what connection even was. I didn't understand how many different ways there was to connect. The truth is, sex was the ONLY way we were connecting. Due to childhood trauma my wife wasn't available really for meaningful true connection -- even sex wasn't normal, but it was the best connection we had to that point.
I actually remember the first time a non-sexual connection happened. We had been in therapy for about 8 months.
We were up a canyon talking and I was really wanting to "connect" with her. We were there for about 3-4 hours just talking and at about the 3/4 mark, I stopped feeling the need to "connect" and felt very satisfied. It was STRANGE.
Our therapist had talked all about different ways to connect outside of the sexual means and I just didn't get it. I have never experienced any OTHER connection with my spouse. At least none that I could remember.
So after this happened I was bugged and thought a lot about what happened. Through this process I realized that what was missing was being vulnerable (Brene Brown). Finally, through working through triggers and emotional baggage, both my wife and I got to a point where something happened, (maybe trust?) to where she started to be vulnerable with me. She was sharing thoughts and emotions that I had never heard. Stuff that she had never told anyone -- not that they were ground breaking, they were just things she didn't feel safe sharing. Well now she was, and I could not believe the connection that happened and how it immediately changed how I was feeling.
It was fantastic! -- that was about 2 months ago.
Our life together has completely changed and continues to change for the better.
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