GD Lesson 21

I can’t speak for the men you have spoken to, but for me, I *did* try talking to her about it. It got me nowhere (granted, my case is not straightforward, given my wife’s disease). I would say that in most cases, the high desire spouse:
- has experienced rejection so many times, they don’t want to go through it again
- has already been told that any “correction” (such as “God wants us to have a healthy, regular sexual relationship”) would be tantamount to rape because it is using “it’s God’s will” as coercion to get their spouse to have sex against their will, similar to all sorts of sexual abusers in religious contexts
- has gotten a lecture about how sex isn’t a need because you won’t die without it; the spouse’s other ways of showing love should be sufficient to sustain the marriage

I think that failing to correct your spouse in sexual matters, whether in regards to a lack of intimacy or exceeding the bounds of proper marital relations (“unholy and impure practices”), is dishonoring God because it is dishonoring your marriage.

God is more concerned about our marriage than the details of our sex life. However, the sex drive and regular sexual relations are divinely appointed means for improving our relationship with our spouse. As with all earthly passions, the natural man has his counterfeit version, but the Holy Ghost can help us to use these gifts properly.

It is more difficult to respect the other person’s agency when you rely on divine mandates / authority to support your argument. A low desire spouse can feel that their choice is being restricted or they’re being manipulated since we’re supposed to follow the commandments, regardless of what we may want to otherwise do, and things that have the imprimatur of deity carry a lot of weight and moral authority as we’re supposed to submit to divine will. A loving spouse would want their spouse to desire to have sex with them to show their love, not because they feel like God is commanding it.

That said, we can teach divine truths, unflinchingly. However, we need to remember D&C 121: “when we undertake to ... exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved...”

Our interactions should be characterized “by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile...
reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved”

This points out a couple things. 1) We should be patient / long-suffering. When we express frustration, that is usually a sign of selfishness. We want other people to bend to our will and we’re upset that they aren’t. By being patient, we are demonstrating that we love them and we respect their choices, even if we disagree. This can also help prevent feelings that we just care about our spouse as a sex object instead of desiring sex because of our love for the person.

2) If we share “pure knowledge” with our spouse, or feel moved by the Holy Spirit to reprove them, we need to “show forth afterwards an increase of love” regardless of their response. Just as with being patient, this assures our spouse that we love them, our motives are pure, and we don’t hold any animosity or grudges toward them.

If we do this, our chances of being heard and validated will increase. If we are successful in changing the heart and/or mind of our spouse, it will be “without compulsory means” and our spouse will feel that their agency is being respected.