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Post by NeverGiveUp on Apr 28, 2018 3:07:51 GMT -6
I need some help and I hope I've come to the right place.
My wife and I are actively going to marriage counseling and this last week I learned that sex is not a commodity -- it can't and shouldn't be traded.
I thought, okay cool. I can see how that's true.
This last week I made an advance to my wife and she laughed and then ignored me, which I guess I'll call a soft rejection. I was frustrated by this so I talked to her about it later and during the course of our conversation she said, she couldn't just turn it on and that she is more like a crock pot and it will take time and basically that I need to help get her ready for Sexual Intimacy (SI).
So now I'm completely confused. Can you help me unravel what she means? To put it into my own words she wants me to wine and dine her, but isn't that trading for SI?
I'm honestly trying to understand.
Intimacy is very important to me -- I'm not completely sure why, but it is. I am dealing with the shame I feel from even wanting it in our relationship and have always felt like a carnal and devilish being and that her lack of desire somehow makes her more righteous... I start to cry just thinking about this.
Thoughts? What do you make of this and where would you go from here.
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Post by KSSunflower on Apr 28, 2018 3:53:57 GMT -6
One of the interesting things I’ve learned is that desire and arousal are two different things and that you can have one without the other.
I get what your wife is saying. The need to be turned on so to speak. I can’t say for sure what will work for her, but I know the more sex is on my mind the more aroused I feel and the more I desire sex.
With that said, there are times when I have no desire. If I resist the sometimes natural reaction of pushing him away, I begin to relax and let the pleasure take over.
Try not to look at it as an exchange, but rather this is how she functions. It may be different than how you function. She will have to learn how you operate too. Study and learn her. Figure out what gets her going and do that. To me, it sounds like she wants to feel pursued.
Things I have enjoyed are passionate kisses before h leaves the house and when he gets home, flirtatious text messages and touching, compliments, verbalizing when he finds me attractive or sexy, horseplay, and sharing desires/fantasies.
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Post by NeverGiveUp on Apr 28, 2018 16:56:46 GMT -6
Thank you KSSunflower!
After 23 years of marriage, I still can't figure all of this out. To me, she just doesn't enjoy or want it unless it's that one time a month when she has desire.
She feels pressure easily, I have to ask to touch, flirtatious texts are ignored and if I tell her she's hot and I think she's sexy she doesn't like it and says I'm objectifying her.
Whatever I guess. I really hope we can get it sorted with Therapy, but so far, it's proven to be slow going.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2023 19:11:57 GMT -6
My wife explained to me that typical female sexual desire is linked to how they are feeling about their partner. If they aren't feeling connected emotionally and physically then the desire won't be there. My wife told me she needs to have good experiences together in order to move her in that direction. Things like dates, physical touch that's not motivated by a desire to instigate sex, gifts, taking care of things around the house without being asked and instigating spiritual things like family prayer and family home evening.
I've been doing a lot of these things lately in my own marriage and it is helping me to be more focused on my wife. I will however say that even if your wife says that this will help her get in the mood, don't count on it. My wife suffers from depression and along with the meds she takes for it her desire is very low. She has told me before that she could be content without sex. She wishes it were different but that's where she is at. It's not her fault and I'm trying to focus on the good things that we have.
At the moment we are together maybe once a month. She has told me that doing the things I mentioned previously will help her to be more in the mood but I'm realizing that the only thing that really helps her get in the mood are erotic dreams and that is very unreliable and completely out of both of our control. I think she was hopeful that those things would move the needle for her but more than likely it won't do much for sex. It is helping us to be closer as a couple so it still has value for me.
If your wife does not struggle with depression she might be able to get in the mood more easily if you do some of those things for her. Good luck.
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Post by KSSunflower on Nov 13, 2023 14:29:34 GMT -6
My wife explained to me that typical female sexual desire is linked to how they are feeling about their partner. If they aren't feeling connected emotionally and physically then the desire won't be there. My wife told me she needs to have good experiences together in order to move her in that direction. Things like dates, physical touch that's not motivated by a desire to instigate sex, gifts, taking care of things around the house without being asked and instigating spiritual things like family prayer and family home evening. I've been doing a lot of these things lately in my own marriage and it is helping me to be more focused on my wife. I will however say that even if your wife says that this will help her get in the mood, don't count on it. My wife suffers from depression and along with the meds she takes for it her desire is very low. She has told me before that she could be content without sex. She wishes it were different but that's where she is at. It's not her fault and I'm trying to focus on the good things that we have. At the moment we are together maybe once a month. She has told me that doing the things I mentioned previously will help her to be more in the mood but I'm realizing that the only thing that really helps her get in the mood are erotic dreams and that is very unreliable and completely out of both of our control. I think she was hopeful that those things would move the needle for her but more than likely it won't do much for sex. It is helping us to be closer as a couple so it still has value for me. If your wife does not struggle with depression she might be able to get in the mood more easily if you do some of those things for her. Good luck. Thank you for sharing your experience. You're probably right that sometimes doing those things won't bring about improvements sexually but I am glad it has improved your relationship. That is definitely worth something. |
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