You read about the types of infidelity that exist and it seems to create a gray area. Years ago I considered infidelity to only include sexual intercourse with someone other than your spouse. Now, it seems that an emotional affair could be included in that. At what point is that crossing the line?
Post by KSSunflower on Mar 6, 2018 19:05:26 GMT -6
I think to answer that you have to first answer, “What is fidelity?”
One definition of fidelity is “complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife.”
I think the trust portion of that is one major way of knowing if you’re crossing a line into infidelity.
If you have to hide something from your spouse because, “they wouldn’t like it if they knew” you are being disloyal to them. Even if you are not doing anything wrong per say, your spouse trusts you to behave a certain way in their absence and to respect their wishes and desires. To do something without their knowledge is betraying that trust.
Secrecy gives power to affairs. Being open and honest with one’s spouse, can get things back into proper order.
Laura Brotherson had some good advice on infidelity. She discusses things that can make us vulnerable to having an affair. The key, she says, is reducing your vulnerability. When you know where you are vulnerable, you can set up healthy boundaries. ldsmag.com/article-1-13409/
Infidelity, in some respects, is simply taking something that should be inside a marriage moving it outside of the marriage. Some of these “inside marriage” things may be exclusive to the marriage, while others should be included in the marriage first, before sharing it with others outside the marriage. For example:
1) Sexual intimacy exclusively belongs in a marriage. Non-sexual physical intimacy is also generally limited to marriage because of the potential for it to progress to sexual intimacy, but standards vary from culture to culture, even family to family, or from one social group to another
2) Emotional intimacy should begin with your spouse being your primary confidante. If you start sharing significant things with others, and not sharing them with your spouse, it is placing more trust in that other person and on something outside of the marriage.
So if there’a a question about “is this infidelity?”, think about whether it is something that should be reserved for marriage or is a “marriage first” kind of thing.
A number of years ago, my wife had an intense emotional affair with a former boyfriend, although there was no significant physical contact.
However, it did include expressions of love, regret they had not got back together and serious consideration about leaving me. It also included multiple telephone and text conversations, and meeting up twice in secret.
I remember my mother in law, who came to know about it, saying to me ‘well, at least nothing happened’, meaning sexually. This stunned me.
Although my wife ultimately decided to stay and we have worked things out, it left me with major doubts at the time whether I was really first choice in her life (which linger even now at times)
As far as I’m concerned, this was infidelity. It was in secret, it threatened our marriage, it had a devastating effect on trust, and caused major heartache. If, for example, it transpired that they did have sexual relations, I don’t think this would make it worst for me as the real betrayal relates to the broken trust and my personal self esteem and security which was shattered.
Post by KSSunflower on Feb 28, 2020 4:11:46 GMT -6
I'm sorry your mother in law made such an insensitive statement. Something DID happen.
Both emotional and physical infidelity can be devastating. Either way you look at it, when done in secret, it's a betrayal. It is a lack of loyalty. It's giving another a part of themselves that's meant to be kept within the marriage relationship.
Yes, it can leave you battling with questions and doubts many years after the fact.